5 Year Olds to Vote in Next General Election
Reporter: Robert Pessimistic
In a surprise move, it has been announced that 5 year olds are to be allowed to vote in the next general election. Despite protests by some Labour MPs, 4 year olds are considered to be too young to vote because they don’t go to big school yet.
Not one to miss a trick, Mister Robot from the Red Party has already been to a primary school in Holborn to canvas support from young voters.
"Hello, I’m Mister Robot from the Red Party," he said to one youngster, "What’s your name?"
"Tom." replied the boy.
"You’re a bit too young to abbreviate your name," said Mister Robot, "I think you will find that your name is Thomas."
Turning to another boy, he asked "And what’s your name?" to which the child replied: "Jackass, Sir."Addressing the whole school, Mister Robot held up a picture of Ms Knock Knock and explained that the Blue Party is nasty and was once led by a wicked witch who snatched all the milk away from children. Instead of them, the pupils should all vote for the Red Party because they are giving children free breakfasts paid for from the "Magic Money Tree", which his friend Rachel from Accounts is growing in her back garden.
Mister Robot then went on to show them a short video of a clown stuck on a zip wire. He explained that Silly Billy Boris from the Blue Party was once in charge of the country, before leading the assembled children in a rendition of "Liar, liar, bum’s on fire, half way up the telephone wire."
Mister Robot then further promoted his party by explaining that they would pay lots and lots of money so that children could be taught how to clean their teeth. They might even consider introducing toilet training so that lazy busy parents wouldn’t upset teachers so often. He will be giving all teachers 2 extra Incest Inset Days so they can receive special training.
To round off the visit, Mister Robot told the young voters that at the weekend he thought of yet another way to stop anyone from saying "hurty words" and if they did, he would send them to prison.
Turning to a little girl, he asked "And what did you do at the weekend?"
"Me and my big brother collected some frogs in a bucket and then we took each one in turn, stuck a banger up its arse and lit it."
"Up its what?" asked Mister Robot.
"Up its arse." came the reply.
"Rectum!"
"Not half mister!"
